@WilliamAder

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

You Might Also Like

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Cleaning up is a superpower. Don’t you want to be a superhero?

5-year-old: I’ll just be a bad guy.

@Love_bug1016

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

@josh___grant

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

@longwall26

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

@prufrockluvsong

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

@upsidedowntrash

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

@IamJackBoot

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

@shariv67

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.