Me: Cleaning up is a superpower. Don’t you want to be a superhero?
5-year-old: I’ll just be a bad guy.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.