You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
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“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.