Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
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“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.