If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.