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a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:7:”splegge”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3712632145/b42e5b52982e2f605a51020437381519_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”325988470726221824″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”91″;s:5:”tweet”;s:96:”If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

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@karanbirtinna

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

@Home_Halfway

WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers

@Home_Halfway

AGE 21: I haven’t slept in 3 days cause of finals but I’m gonna party all night and do a pub crawl tomorrow

AGE 35: Sorry I’d love to come to dinner but my eye is watery and I’m gonna be resting for the next week

@thenatewolf

*Creator of Charlie Brown sits down to draw a cartoon*

What do eight-year-old boys look like again? Bald? It’s bald, right?

@seanforhire

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

@BoomBoomBetty

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

@Kyle_Lippert

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

@mattZillaaaa

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

@Mom_Overboard

guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?

@BGH70

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.