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a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:7:”splegge”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3712632145/b42e5b52982e2f605a51020437381519_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”325988470726221824″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”91″;s:5:”tweet”;s:96:”If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

@BRENTHOR

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

@Reverend_Scott

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

@QwertyJones3

Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.

@markleggett

My hairdresser told me that his marriage is crumbling. So, here’s my business idea: A hair salon where they don’t tell me shit like that.

@TheTweetOfGod

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.

@KingRainhead

friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me

@hardlyrelevant

(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions

@tylerschmall

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.