If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
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MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk