@TheNardvark

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

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@copymama

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

@fulciHugazombie

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

@UnFitz

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

@AndrewsNotFunny

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

@UncleDuke1969

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

@_Tempo11

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

@MissMMathers

Me: “I gotta do things” …

Body: “you did things yesterday shut up”.