If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
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Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
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