@Eoisit

If no amount of evidence will ever change your mind on an issue, then as Einstein said: “You’ve been given a large brain by mistake.”

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@AlbertBrooks

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

@jergarl

“Calm down” I suggested.

“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I’M NOT CALM?” she carved in the side of my truck.

@BarneysNose

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

@arcadeseals

me: so… i gave him the birds and the bees talk

wife: great! what did he say?

me: his exact words were “dad, i’m not into that vanilla shit”

@michaelianblack

Any celebrities who are thinking of dying soon, please befriend me so I can relate a moving and humorous anecdote when you pass.

@batkaren

How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

@BSnapz2019

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

@Contwixt

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

@_steamy_mac

You are my sunshine.

In the sense that long term exposure to you is slowly killing me.

@Home_Halfway

[1912]

ME: I’m gonna tickle you!

CAPTAIN: Hahaha come on stop

ME: Tickle tickle!

CAPTAIN: Haha stop it, I gotta drive this huge ship

ME: Tickling you more!

CAPTAIN: Hahahaha hold on hold on lemme get us around this iceberg