I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
If no amount of evidence will ever change your mind on an issue, then as Einstein said: “You’ve been given a large brain by mistake.”
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“Calm down” I suggested.
“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I’M NOT CALM?” she carved in the side of my truck.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
me: so… i gave him the birds and the bees talk
wife: great! what did he say?
me: his exact words were “dad, i’m not into that vanilla shit”
Any celebrities who are thinking of dying soon, please befriend me so I can relate a moving and humorous anecdote when you pass.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
You are my sunshine.
In the sense that long term exposure to you is slowly killing me.
ME: I’m gonna tickle you!
CAPTAIN: Hahaha come on stop
ME: Tickle tickle!
CAPTAIN: Haha stop it, I gotta drive this huge ship
ME: Tickling you more!
CAPTAIN: Hahahaha hold on hold on lemme get us around this iceberg