[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
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Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!