If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
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I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee