If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
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A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.