@xysist

If Noah was not holding ‘ Control ‘ while selecting the animals that were to enter the ark, then the Bible is a lie to me.

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@IziBoy121

I bought a blowup doll today, but I won’t blow her up until tomorrow. I don’t want to seem desperate.

@iwearaonesie

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

@OneFunnyMummy

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

@MouthEaters

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

@aka_fatman

*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.

@jamdugg

How many nuns could a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?

@ThePocketJustin

Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.

@jonnysun

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

@daemonic3

Who called it an “insanity plea” and not a “loco motion”?

@dog_feelings

the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve