My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
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I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.