How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
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ME: [at a party] hey! wanna come back to my place and-
GIRL: hook up? sure!
ME: [sadly putting away two Yu-Gi-Oh! decks] oh. awesome
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
If you take longer than 10 seconds at the hand dryer, I will wipe my hands on the back of your shirt.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today.
He is survived by his wife Linda.
In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed