If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
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My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Awwwww shit.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
<guitar riff>
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Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.