If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
You Might Also Like
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Brb my Sims are getting married
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.