Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

A fella staggers exhausted into his house.

“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.

“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.

“You idiot” says his wife.

“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

popsicle not seeing heaven 😭

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun

Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?

What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.