If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

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I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.


If you’re ever on death row, request Denny’s for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order.


I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.


My four year old planted 25¢ in the garden and said a money tree is going grow there.

I laughed- but water it at night just in case


If you use the word “ridonkulous” or “ginormous,” chances are you’re a retardiot.


Just found a $5 bill in the dryer.
-Adds money laundering to criminal resume.


The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”


Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes


I wish softcore horror was a genre. Like, “LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU IT’S A KITTEN! OH THANK GOD IT’S JUST A FEATHER.”


At least once a day I say “nice to meet you” to someone I’ve already met which is a great feeling for all involved.