@RepoMan_617

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

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@glenyrd

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

@SamuelHLowe

If you’re ever on death row, request Denny’s for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order.

@eff_yeah_steph

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

@Douchekevin

My four year old planted 25¢ in the garden and said a money tree is going grow there.

I laughed- but water it at night just in case

@GayAtHomeDad

If you use the word “ridonkulous” or “ginormous,” chances are you’re a retardiot.

@secondhand_cake

Just found a $5 bill in the dryer.
-Adds money laundering to criminal resume.

@jasonroeder

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@ibid78

I wish softcore horror was a genre. Like, “LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU IT’S A KITTEN! OH THANK GOD IT’S JUST A FEATHER.”

@andylassner

At least once a day I say “nice to meet you” to someone I’ve already met which is a great feeling for all involved.