@itweetmaya

If Obama wins I’m leaving the country. If Romney wins I’m leaving the country.

This is not a political Tweet I just want to travel.

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@jessokfine

People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks

@KeetPotato

my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son

@VisionBored1

Son: Can I have some?

Me, mouth full of cheesecake: It’s really spicy you won’t like it.

@Shut_up_Marissa

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

@SoulYodeler

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?

@rachelle_mandik

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

@daemonic3

[superfriends lunch]

BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat

SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!

AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes

@Elizasoul80

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

@GreenishDuck

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.