People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
If Obama wins I’m leaving the country. If Romney wins I’m leaving the country.
This is not a political Tweet I just want to travel.
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my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Son: Can I have some?
Me, mouth full of cheesecake: It’s really spicy you won’t like it.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.