Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
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My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Well, shit
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.