@rustygunter

If okcupid is all that great, then why would you need a 3 or 6 month subscription ?

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@yeaanotherchris

I wonder if anyone has ever tweeted about how much they love coffee in the morning?

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: (shaving my legs)

Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.

@Tommytoughstuff

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

@TheNaique

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

@DanMentos

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

@DrDogMD

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

@TeaAndCopy

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

@TheHatStore

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

@PyrBliss

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

@LizHackett

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”