I wonder if anyone has ever tweeted about how much they love coffee in the morning?
If okcupid is all that great, then why would you need a 3 or 6 month subscription ?
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Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”