Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
This pepper has seen some shit
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.