If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
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Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
bad news gang
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Lol
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.