if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
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accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.