If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
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According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.