If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
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My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.