[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
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Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.