How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
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Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Just so funny