If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
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I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
just got my engagement photos
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
True
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
what kind of cook setting is this??