If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
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You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS