If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
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Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
TODAY
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.