If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
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Fights fire with marshmallows
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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