If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
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Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!