ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
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Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
The asteroid..
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Comparing yourself to others
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila