@ConanOBrien

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

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@iwearaonesie

*SNAP*
*wife screams*
*walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

@Megatronic13

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

@KKAlThani

Imagine a shark eating pizza. Imagine you were frog. Imagine a donkey wearing a skirt. Imagine someone telling you to imagine stupid things.

@_davidlucas_

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

@HardlyUnDead

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

@chrellsangel

Salvador Dali’s body was once exhumed because of a paternity suit. I didn’t know they made those, but if it was so important, they shouldn’t have buried him in it.

@kevnasto

According to my autocorrect, i’m wearing edible pantries

@chimneyspotter

DR: Are you sexually active?
ME: Very
DR: Eating donuts alone in your car doesn’t count
ME: Still yes
DR: Neither do croissants
ME: Then no

@Vanilla_cupcak

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit