@ConanOBrien

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

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@EJGomez

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

@jellybnbonanza

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

@BakwasRadio

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

@goldengateblond

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

@AsgardianRose

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

@bobbiejo448

I love how all the characters in kids shows are always SO thrilled while at work. Like Bob never gets pissed over a missing screwdriver.

@Nindoonjibaa

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

@HannahB_15

Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.

@CallousBalzac

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.