*walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*
“why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
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What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Imagine a shark eating pizza. Imagine you were frog. Imagine a donkey wearing a skirt. Imagine someone telling you to imagine stupid things.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Salvador Dali’s body was once exhumed because of a paternity suit. I didn’t know they made those, but if it was so important, they shouldn’t have buried him in it.
According to my autocorrect, i’m wearing edible pantries
DR: Are you sexually active?
DR: Eating donuts alone in your car doesn’t count
ME: Still yes
DR: Neither do croissants
ME: Then no
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit