babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
If only people were named after their tattoo’s.
This guy standing in front of me in Petro Canada Would be named Machine gun-Snake-Jesus.
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Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
We’ve been trying to teach 3 what to do in case of an emergency. Yesterday we tested her, “what would you do if you found me on the floor and you couldn’t wake me up?” I could see her little brain working. She finally said, “I would go into the kitchen and eat anything I want.”
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
ed scissorhands should’ve fell asleep on elm street, he would’ve straightened shit out
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
I put my pants on like everyone else, when there’s a knock on the front door.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
saleslady: can I help you
“yes, how many leg holes do these pants have?”
saleslady: ummm just the usual two
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad