Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
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Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?