@AGStr8upNinja

If only people were named after their tattoo’s.

This guy standing in front of me in Petro Canada Would be named Machine gun-Snake-Jesus.

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@hotdogsz

babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry

@vladchoc

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

@Mamaoutoforder

We’ve been trying to teach 3 what to do in case of an emergency. Yesterday we tested her, “what would you do if you found me on the floor and you couldn’t wake me up?” I could see her little brain working. She finally said, “I would go into the kitchen and eat anything I want.”

@mattewe02

ed scissorhands should’ve fell asleep on elm street, he would’ve straightened shit out

@iwearaonesie

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

@deankarrier

I put my pants on like everyone else, when there’s a knock on the front door.

@GuyEndoreKaiser

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

@SortaBad

saleslady: can I help you
“yes, how many leg holes do these pants have?”
saleslady: ummm just the usual two
“nice, nice”

@Ygrene

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad