*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
You Might Also Like
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.