If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
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ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
The cashier just checked me out.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Oh we’ve met.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.