If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
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Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*