If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
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Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x