If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
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I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
how to market bottled water to dads
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist