If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
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My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater