If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
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Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder