The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
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Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
The only reason why i am fat is because a tiny body could not store all this huge personality.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
I made a graph that describes every human relationship I’ve had
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it