@_katadams

If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?

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@liv_thatsme

Me: Will I be happy in 2017?

(peers into crystal ball)

Me: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN

Psychic: I don’t know; I’ve never seen one explode before

@NapVeg

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

@briangaar

Mitt Romney has decided not to run for president. In other news, I have decided not to become a billionaire or play in the NBA.

@jailrespecter

if you think about it, “bride and bridegroom” is just old english for “wife and wife guy”

@POTerritory

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

@murrman5

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

@SassyChantelle

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

@GrumpyComments

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.