If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
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[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
spicy snake
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you