How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
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DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Murderer:You can’t hide from me!
Murderer:BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YA SAY WEY-OH!
Me:WEY-OH! God Dammit.
My daughter lost her 1st tooth today so I’m staying up all night to see The Rock in a tutu.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.