If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?

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The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.


Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.


1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume

2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit


MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool


[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”


The only reason why i am fat is because a tiny body could not store all this huge personality.


The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.


when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters


fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it