Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
You Might Also Like
Me: Will I be happy in 2017?
(peers into crystal ball)
Me: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
Psychic: I don’t know; I’ve never seen one explode before
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Mitt Romney has decided not to run for president. In other news, I have decided not to become a billionaire or play in the NBA.
if you think about it, “bride and bridegroom” is just old english for “wife and wife guy”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
Behind every YouTube star is an Ikea bookshelf
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.