@_katadams

If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?

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@WolfpackAlan

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

@Poutymcgee

Murderer:You can’t hide from me!

Me:*hiding*

Murderer:BOOM BOOM BOOM LET ME HEAR YA SAY WEY-OH!

Me:*sweating

Me:

Me:WEY-OH! God Dammit.

@Mr_Kapowski

My daughter lost her 1st tooth today so I’m staying up all night to see The Rock in a tutu.

@sad_jake

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.

@cluedont

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

@Dutch_50

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

@AngryRaccoon2

(At concert)

EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!

Me: Not a chance

WAVE YOUR ARMS!!

Me: Ridiculous

OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!

Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?

@Brianhopecomedy

Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.