@_katadams

If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?

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@Cheeseboy22

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

@LurkAtHomeMom

1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume

2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit

@joejwest

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

@mattZillaaaa

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

@iGreenMonk

The only reason why i am fat is because a tiny body could not store all this huge personality.

@KeatonPatti

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

@brotticelli

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

@Bob_Janke

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it