If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
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some cats are just doing for fun!
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins