If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

You Might Also Like


me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud


[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em


The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.


Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭


My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.


My 13 year old daughter just wrote her first resume. Under “skills” she wrote: I can make a bracelet out of dandelions. I can flip an egg without breaking it. Sometimes I can whisper “Alexa” so quietly that she doesn’t hear.”


“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!


Genie: you have three wishes

Me: ok i wish “three” meant 1000

Genie: it’s done. you have two wishes left

Me: wait i wish “two” meant 1000


I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like