If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

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what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves


[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?


My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.


I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment


“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet


I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.


Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.


what I want to do: impress them with my firm, no-nonsense handshake. I am a confident, self-assured woman.

what I actually do: break half their fingers


So my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.

All the slides were just pictures of me


ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.