If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

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WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck


My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy


“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.


*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*


People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.


4yo: “Why did you honk at that man and put your hand out the window.”
Me: “He’s naughty.”
4yo: “Was that sign language you did to him?”


If you pull a lizard’s tail off, it will grow back. If you pull it off again, the lizard will be like “dude.”


Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy


Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.