me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
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[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?
Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
My 13 year old daughter just wrote her first resume. Under “skills” she wrote: I can make a bracelet out of dandelions. I can flip an egg without breaking it. Sometimes I can whisper “Alexa” so quietly that she doesn’t hear.”
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: ok i wish “three” meant 1000
Genie: it’s done. you have two wishes left
Me: wait i wish “two” meant 1000
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
ME: No, new please.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like