what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
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[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
what I want to do: impress them with my firm, no-nonsense handshake. I am a confident, self-assured woman.
what I actually do: break half their fingers
So my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.