@dad_on_my_feet

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

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@bobvulfov

[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck

@LarrysTwin99

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

@DadandBuried

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

@platinum2000

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

@SamGrittner

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

@whatbabytalk

4yo: “Why did you honk at that man and put your hand out the window.”
Me: “He’s naughty.”
4yo: “Was that sign language you did to him?”

@briangaar

If you pull a lizard’s tail off, it will grow back. If you pull it off again, the lizard will be like “dude.”

@OkieGirl405

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

@Donna_McCoy

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.