Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
You Might Also Like
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.