@SuSuSuDonym

If Paula Deen’s new cookbook isn’t titled ‘Fifty Shades of Gravy’, I’m going to lose a considerable amount of money on the bet I just made.

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@TheAndrewNadeau

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

@Darlainky

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

@Starchily90

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?” I always say yes……… Cause otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

@SortaBad

*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”

@DanMentos

“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*

@DannyMcH2O

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

@YUCKYBOT

“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”

“I’m a cop.”

“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”

@LurkAtHomeMom

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.