@Hormonella

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

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@jenstatsky

FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”

@Kendragarden

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

@ianabramson

When you compare the size of a gummy worm versus a gummy bear, it starts to paint a horrific picture of the gummy universe.

@Firawesome

Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.

@michaelianblack

Took me three hours to drive home through the snow, but it was worth it because when I got home, my family totally ignored me.

@Dani_Feld

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

@momTruthBomb

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

@onion_an

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

@JohnLyonTweets

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

@TheAndrewNadeau

GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.