FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
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My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
When you compare the size of a gummy worm versus a gummy bear, it starts to paint a horrific picture of the gummy universe.
Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
Took me three hours to drive home through the snow, but it was worth it because when I got home, my family totally ignored me.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.