If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
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it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.