Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
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I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Brother?
Sounds like a bargain
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”