@thatUPSdude

If people knew just how many fake arguments I win when I’m in the car by myself, they would think twice before ever picking a fight with me.

You Might Also Like

@jonnysun

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

@LMHPhotog

There are rumours floating around that Canada’s Prime Minister isn’t a nice guy.

They’re not Trudeau.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

@TheAndrewNadeau

Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.

@TheTweetOfGod

If what people thought of you, what you thought of yourself and who you really are ever met, the three of you wouldn’t recognize each other.

@carlyken

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

@Kendragarden

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”