When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
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Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien