Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
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Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care