If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
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Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.