if people really didn’t want to hear smartass responses they wouldn’t keep asking questions like “do you know why i pulled you over?”

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This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy


Pay attention to your kids… Because one day he will stuff a sugar free gummy bear in your mouth that he rubbed on a cat.


you remember me as the guy who put his arm in the doorway to hold open the automatic door for you in 2009. welll, now i need a favor


The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:

“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.


Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”


Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now


I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.


When I think about you, I touch myself…..

……I rub my temples because you give me a goddamn headache…


What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best