@iwearaonesie

if people really didn’t want to hear smartass responses they wouldn’t keep asking questions like “do you know why i pulled you over?”

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@bepryor

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

@jergarl

Pay attention to your kids… Because one day he will stuff a sugar free gummy bear in your mouth that he rubbed on a cat.

@eedrk

you remember me as the guy who put his arm in the doorway to hold open the automatic door for you in 2009. welll, now i need a favor

@Eden_Eats

The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:

“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.

@erikbransteen

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

@zachreinert03

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

@Ellani_Belle

I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.

@QuietPsycho

When I think about you, I touch myself…..

……I rub my temples because you give me a goddamn headache…

@CopernicusG

What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best