6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
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All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
That took me a moment.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
just pretend nothing happened
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”